Tales from the Spambots: International Journal of English and Literature (IJEL)

Your Editor-in-Chief of the Volidity Report was not entirely surprised to receive a series of invitations to review and submit articles for a series of academic journals, given his recent lecture tour. So, when contacted by three journals—The International Journal of Peace and Development Studies, The International Journal of English and Literature, and the African Journal of Mathematics and Computer Science Research—your Editor-in-Chief was faced with the agonizing decision of choosing only one of these three acclaimed publications. True to my meritocratic name, I in the end focused on the most intriguing subject put forth:

International Journal of English and Literature


Dear Colleague,

We received a manuscript titled “Apemanship: A critique of the Modernization Theory in Ngugi’s selected works and Clement Chihota’s”Shipwreck” in No More Plastic Balls

"I wish to inquire if you can create time to review this manuscript. We will be most grateful if the manuscript can be reviewed and sent to us within 2 week.

Find attached below the article, the reviewer’s guide as well as the instructions for author.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail

Emekagbor Richard

Editorial Assistant
International Journal of English and Literature (IJEL)
E-mail: ijel.journal@gmail.com


Now, being a member of the Great Apes (and a great one at that!), Your Editor-in-Chief was intrigued by the concept of "Apemanship". Forget internships and apprenticeships; I would much prefer to perfect the apely arts at Mountain Gorilla State University. The article itself, which "contends that no society has ever developed on the basis of being copycats or following the philosophy of catching up" and that "African leaders of the 21st century should constantly be monitored for they have a propensity to co-opt foreign ideologies", sounds eminently suitable for a scholar such as myself. As a staunch Eurocentrist who has defended colonialism so long as it results in good beer, who better to assess the desire for Africans to achieve indigenous cultural and societal development!

Mostly, however, I should give thanks to the keen eye of the talent scout who sought me out for the IJEL, Mr. Emekagbor Richard. A true renaissance man (since he works for both the IJEL and the International Journal of Peace and Development Studies), he even looks every bit the totally legitimate and dedicated academic:
The Face of Academic Legitimacy
Indeed, confirming the legitimacy of these journals, is the final paragraph of the "Instruction for Authors" document attached to the e-mail:

Fees and Charges: Authors are required to pay a $500 handling fee. Publication of an article in the African Journal of Pharmacy and Pharmacology is not contingent upon the author's ability to pay the charges. Neither is acceptance to pay the handling fee a guarantee that the paper will be accepted for publication. Authors may still request (in advance) that the editorial office waive some of the handling fee under special circumstances.

So, my fine readers, assuming that the price of the "handling fee" is not in Zimbabwean Dollars, I will be forced to solicit donations from you in order to submit my review. I simply cannot disappoint Emekagbor, and if this goal is reached, I would be glad to put in a good word for you to any member of this fine family of publications! (I accept cash, check, or Goldline coins)


Volid Review: Fantasy Mission Force

You may have noticed that your Editor-in-Chief of the Volidity Report was on a bit of a hiatus, but this did not mean that volidity ceased to be promulgated. On the contrary, sir and/or madam! I have been on the lecture circuit, hitting up some of the most distinguished lecture halls in Brooklyn, New York. Your Editor-in-Chief was invited by an exquibulary film screening organization called Cinebeasts (of which he is a proud board member) to introduce a gripping historical documentary on September 29th. The documentary, Fantasy Mission Force (starring Jackie "Jacky" Chan), is the story of an elite commando force; however, unlike say, The Dirty Dozen or the Inglorious Basterds (sic—tsk, tsk on your spelling, Mr. Tarantino!), this film is absolutely accurate and True. Why, just see for yourself in video and below, with the slides of my lecture:

Gentlemen, Ladies, and Others, Fantasy Mission Force has been evaluated. I hope to see you on my next stop on my lecture tour, and yes, I will gladly sign an autograph in exchange for a small fee/amount of vodka.


Key on You

As you may already know, fake bands can have real songs. But did you know that fake bands can also suffer from real tensions among bandmates? The key points of the Behind the Music on Dog Handjob that will air on VH1 (that is, if VH1 was a channel that still had any music-related programming) are:
  • A project for forming a band and recording songs is assigned in Mrs. Wilkens' music class.
  • The band Dog Handjob is formed by three filler kids.
  • They have some really cool ideas for songs, like dogs, and movies!
  • A certain Patty Sanders—who is either a shalimar or a slut, depending on who you ask—forms the key component of a love quadrilateral (or maybe she is the area of the love triangle, which would totally be isoceles).
  • Their hopes for getting at least a B diminish, which sucks because report card time is coming up...
So, what grade do you think the members of Dog Handjob should earn for their song, "Key on You"?