Fictionary Addendum №2

Philastine: IPA: /ˈfɪl.ə.stin/
1. (derogatory) A resident of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
“The Flyers were playing a game that night so every bar was full of boorish Philastines.”

shake: IPA: /'ʃeɪk/
1. An female targeted by males for her seeming approachability and the impression that she would consent to romantic activities.
“Sure, that dive bar is full of shakes; if making out in bathrooms is your style, there's no better place.”

suddenate: IPA: /sʌdneɪt/
1. To appear without notice or warning.
“I was reading alone when without warning Kovacs suddenated behind me.”

whipping boy class: IPA: /ʍɪpɪŋ bɔɪ klɑːs/
1. The subject at a university which a student shirks in order to concentrate on his/her other subjects.
“Yeah, I figure Intro to Dinosaurs will be my whipping boy class this semester considering that I don’t think it will be too challenging.”

Special thanks to LK Shov for "shake"


Socialized Liquor

Well, it happened. But one (1) month ago, socialized medicine came to America. Well, that is, forgetting Medicare, Medicaid (so long ago!), and that big recent Medicaid expansion (passed by a Republican Congress and signed by President Bush, so it is inherently not socialist) or the seemingly similar plan passed in Massachusetts by Mitt Romney, which was obviously different because it was for Personal Responsibility and Freedom. Regardless, Obamacare is far worse than all of those combined! Grandma will have her plug pulled, we'll all have to get sex changes, and Barney Frank will personally perform a colonoscopy on every American male. We're in for some dark times, for sure. But I recently discovered a far more sinister socialized institution in America, which affects something I hold far more dear than my health.

Indeed, what could be of greater importance than liquor? Be it of grain, potato, or fruit (but it damn well better not be fruity!), liquor is an important part of a balanced diet. In fact, before Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his Chicago communist gangsters jammed socialized medicine down our throats, a glass of whiskey was my medicine. So, with this in mind, I was dismayed to learn that socialism had crept into my home state of Virginia in the form of socialized liquor. Yes, since 1934—allegedly, the repeal of prohibition and the temperance movement were involved, but with a year like that it must be the work of that liberal fascist, FDR—the distribution and sale of all alcoholic beverages stronger than beer and wine (≤14% ABV) is managed by the state. Indeed, Virginia's Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control operates a chain of state-run stores that sell liquor to Virginians, in some of which people even have to line up behind a counter and request their wares from a clerk, just like in Soviet Russia. Now they're even giving free liquor to the masses like any welfare state! Who would have suspected Virginia, a traditional Red State, which recently elected Confederacy enthusiast Bob McDonnell as governor and health care and *hypothetical* Obama birth certificate litigator Ken Cuccinelli as attorney general. However! The ugly truth of socialized liquor reveals that the Commonwealth (sounds like communist, don't it?) of Virginia is a in fact red state of the socialist variety.

Now, though Virginia is apparently a red state of the commie variety, it isn't exactly like Red China. It's much more similar to those socialistic Scandinavians and their own state alcohol monopolies: Sweden (Systembolaget), Finland (Alko), Norway (Vinmonopolet), and Iceland (Vínbúð). Starting as early as the 1920s, these countries have strictly controlled the manufacture, distribution, and sale of alcoholic beverages in a way not unlike Virginia. And like Virginia, with its childish and innocent sounding "ABC stores," Finland's Alko has advertized itself with cutesy imagery involving a person shaking hands with a liquor bottle (at least, when I was there in 2006 it did). But this is not the only stealth means of Scandinavian socialist infiltration into our once proud Free Market nation; remember when the financial crash was going full force in the fall of 2009? Well, back then even so-called Republicans like John McCain and Lindsey Graham were considering the "Swedish Model" for the American banking sector. What is the Swedish Model? It is apparently the [temporary] nationalization of banks. And you know who else did that? Nikolai Lenin! Thus, we should be very worried when B. Hussein Obama invites in Bo Lundgren, the architect of Sweden's 1990s bank nationalization. First they socialize our medicine, then our liquor, then try to socialize our banks? What's next, socializing our M&M candies?

So, how can we defend our country against these Nordic crypto-communists and their socializing programs? Well, since I suspect there already is another civil war a-brewin', it's important to be prepared for the worst. However, in light of the shocking revelation of socialized liquor—and the fact that Virginia is but one of many states facing this issue—this conflict that is looming over us is a Second Whiskey Rebellion! Forget about tax resistance, the front lines of freedom are now in moonshining! Besides, one great American sportsman decided to spurn a Swedish model, so why shouldn't America as a whole?


A List: Top Ten Facebook Political Views

I hereby present a list of the top ten Facebook political views I have had and have considered having:

  1. Libertarian Stalinist*
  2. Eco-nationalist
  3. Shigalyovist*
  4. Objectivist Relativist
  5. Crypto-Feudalist
  6. Hoxhaist Anti-Revisionist
  7. Neo-Conservative Pacifist
  8. Orthodox Lacanian Stalinist*
  9. Sportsman for Mao
  10. Meritocracy*

* Means that I have listed this as my political views