Top Ten "Top 10" of 2012

2012 was a big year for planet Earth, with 366 days of activities across the internets and meatspace alike. As druids celebrate the solstice outdoors in sacred spaces, and Americans celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by tweeting "#fuckyoumom for not getting the myPhone 4S", the bloggers of the world begin gathering the raw materials for end-of-the-year listicles. As demonstrated last year, the Volidity Report is no stranger to this phenomenon. But, standing above ordinary blogs and news websites, we would like to present (for the reader's convenience) the Volidity Report's Top Ten "Top 10" list for the year of our lord of tech toys 2012:

Shanghai-based Steven Millward's list provides some indication of the extent to which the Chinese authorities censor online.

Though the Volidity Report is appalled to see that Staten Island and Long Island (the *longest* in these United States) were snubbed, we plan on campaigning hard for Florida, the Crimea, and Korea next year as the Top 10 Peninsulas of 2013.

For all the haters out there. [and for those interested in the continuation of list #9 above -Ed.]

As *shocking* as these stories may be, given that none of them featured a catch phrase as memorable as "Don't tase me, bro", can this really count as news?

6) List of Romanian Top 100 top 10 singles in 2012
Flo Rida apparently had a pretty decent year in Romania. Who knew?

A pretty necessary list for this past year, along with... [And if "The University of California vs. Goldman Sachs" is not the narrative of our time, I don't know what is -Ed.]

4) The Ten Biggest Sex and Gender Stories of 2012 in China
The Middle Kingdom seems to be just experiencing First Wave feminism at the same time that octogenarians are boldly embracing their nature as transgendered. We're looking forward to the Ten Biggest Women and Gender Studies Dissertations on China in 2013!

3) Top 10 Endangered Places 2012
The American South is full of natural beauty that is facing apocalyptic destruction at the hands of lawmakers who are more concerned with the biblical apocalypse and a populace likely more aware of the Mayan apocalypse. Something, something, Chick-fil-a...

2) The top 10 new species for 2012 include sneezing monkey and blue tarantula
Just like your favorite characters on the YouTubes, Earth's best new species of 2012 all have whimsical traits distinguishing them from less endearing members of their phyla!

1) The Top 10 Chinese Internet Memes of 2012

№ 2, 3, 4, 7, & 9 suggested by Herrence Meritocracy and № 1, 5, 6, 8 & 10 suggested by LK Shov. All methodologies scientific.


Religious Rage

MUSLIM RAGE! It's all the rage right now, with protests sweeping across the Arab/Muslim/brown people world followed by important trend pieces to describe them. A single magazine cover has since begat a bevy of poignant images on this MUSLIM RAGE. But are the liberal media once again glazing over the issue, and not asking the hard questions? Are there other religions with even more primal rage on display? The Volidity Report investigates further in a series it hopes Newsweek will eventually publish. We've even made the covers for them!


Cooking with Volidity - Chick-fil-gay

Long ago, when this blog was yet young, Your Editor-in-Chief authored a piece on the notion of "Chick-fil-a conservatism," predicting that it would become the predominant ideology of the Republican Party. Once again, the Volidity Report has proven itself to be on the cutting edge, now that fried chicken of a Christian vintage is in the spotlight.


Society for the Protection of Unborn Kittens

We all know that Barry "Beaux" Bama is the abortion president. Since his election, untold numbers of helpless fetuses and embryos have been slaughtered to make our Coke Zero, Oreo cookies, and chicken fries, as far as we know. Despite this grim situation, "very few voters mentioned abortion as a deciding factor" in the Republican presidential primaries this year, and now they have effectively given the nomination to Willard "Mittens" Romney, who kinda maybe was ok with abortion before. Though the situation with humanity's unborn seems helpless at present, there is another mass slaughter going on that could potentially galvanize the greater population toward a pro-life perspective.


Tales from the Spambots - Humanoid Twitterbots

Ah, the Twitters! A veritable playground of internet robots, who generated 24% of all Twitter content even way back in 2009. These robots are constantly trolling for humans with whom they might connect--to sell products, or perhaps event learn how to feel. In fact, your editor-in-chief has noticed--through volid investigations on Twitter--that the old twitterbots version 1.0 (which had obviously machine-generated profiles and would merely tweet hyperlinks at you) have been replaced by a second variety. These new bots have full profiles and tweet sentence-like messages that don't necessarily include hyperlinks to buy Nikes or Armani dresses or just incoherent nonsense. They're so much like us, and yet, something is not quite right. Let's take a look:


The Flag You Should Have: Mississippi

Current Mississippi flag - adopted 1894

Mississippi: 50th in per capita GDP, 1st in obesity! But people are less aware that the state is also #1 in controversial flags (see the image above if you're wondering why there might be any controversy). You see, when the Confederate States seceded, they needed a new flag, but they settled initially for a lame imitation of the Stars and Stripes (lazily renamed to the "Stars and Bars"--real creative, guys). After much confusion on the battlefield, it was replaced with the more recognizable Confederate Battle Flag (also known as the "Lynyrd Skynyrd Flag"), which was incorporated into subsequent iterations of the national flag. Its design remains instantly recognizable around the world today, and--like most things--you can blame the Jews for it.After the Confederacy's defeat in the Civil War, the Battle Flag faded from officialdom, until its later revival.


"We be Chrono-Thuggin" - Mobile Volidity Vol. 2

Before the Twitters, before 'pods and 'pads and PADDs, there were text messages. Known forever as SMS by our European counterparts, Volid researchers only recently discovered that is actually an acronym for "Seriously Mystifying Statements" (given the kind of messages we receive on our official mobile telephones, this seems appropriate). Following up on the first official compendium of these messages, the Volidity Report will seek to decipher these messages-in-a-bottle[-shaped phone], for our audience, this time with visual aids!


Cooking with Volidity: The Governor's Family Bowl

We've all heard of Colonel Sanders' Famous Bowl™--and why not? It's famous! Sure, you might say, the Famous Bowl was introduced in 2006 and Sanders had already been dead for 26 years. Also, you may note that this dish happens to be regarded as a rather poor experience by some. But where Patton Oswalt sees a "failure pile in a sadness bowl" the Volidity Report saw its potential as a communal centerpiece around which Your Editor's flatmates could gather and feast. Naturally, all of the usual rules would apply, and a friturier, saucier, and entremetier--among others--would have to be recruited, since this constitutes a multi-course meal all in one bowl.


Fictionary Supplement: Part 3 - Misfits and Ne'er-do-wells

Vito Burrito
Ever since Vito Bruzzini was born in the neighborhood of Boroughhurstburg Village in Brooklyn, he had trouble fitting in. A member of a family peripherally affiliated with the docks and much respected in Bo-Vill, from an early age Vito just couldn't quite live up to his brothers: Marsalo, Piccato, and Francese. His brothers, cousins, and cousins once removed would roughhouse in the streets and alleys by day and then return home for a big dinner festooned with enough red sauce to please red-blooded young boys. But Vito chose a different path; he would wander off by himself, sampling some of the strange, unbreaded, pasta- and mozzarella-free fare available in his Outer Borough. Because of his rotund shape--reminiscent of chicken rollatini or another irregular polyhedron--and because of his particular preference for the food of "Messico," he was given the nickname Vito Burrito.

As time passed, Vito remained ever the odd corn tortilla in a wheat world. Hoping to set off and make something for himself, Vito enrolled in the University of Phoenix, only to find that it took him no further than the dial-up connection in his parents' basement. When his brothers formally joined la famiglia, Vito only managed to get himself a job at Famous Famiglia Pizza. Needless to say, Vito found himself in a rut; when an "associate" of his father's had a horse's head placed in his futon, the young fellow took it as a sign. The next day he made for the racetrack in Ozone Park, confident that he would make the family proud. Last I heard, he won $30 on Mumbly Jake!

Nik Nickelback
Nikonar Nikolaevich Nikelbakh, known as Nik Nickelback to his friends, was born in a small town in Western Pennsylvania. The town was like most any other, except for its ongoing bat problem (see Fictionary Supplement Addendum, under “1987, Suckening of”). Ah well.

Nik was born to Dick and Wendy Nikelbakh, a Scotch-Irish couple prone to buying insurance and Presbyterianism. Nik was raised as one of their own, but was never much like his old man and his lady. He preferred electric guitars to hedge-clippers, and sports cars to lawn mowers!

After a fight with his pops, Nik totally split town man, and headed for Ronny’s house to crash there for a while, or at least till he could figure shit out. Ronnie was cool with it, but he was totally bogarting all his smokes and wouldn’t share them or nothing. Like, his brother totally sends him cases of them when he’s in Canada for like two bucks, and he can’t even share with his oldest bro? Whatever man. Well, this lifestyle went on for some time, until finally he ran out of dough, and had to trundle back home.

Health Insurance Po
Po was a nasty man, a mean bad man!! He was a con artist, and a thief, setting up false butcheries and chicaneries and disrupting society with his lack of dedication and unscrupulous behavior. Two or three concerned citizens reported to have entered his shops to purchase live animals to feed their hungry families, only to find a sight most foul. Po would be holding a live bird with two hands around its neck, strangling the poor animal in a flurry of squawks and chirps! All Chinese citizens know that choking chickens is immoral, and is strictly forbidden by Chinese law.

After the brave villagers performed their duty of reporting Po to the proper authorities, they were generously rewarded with a new dam which would flood their town with both water and electricity!

Po himself was brought in for questioning, and it was decided that his efforts could be better directed elsewhere. A recent Chinese security detail reported that the country was still exposed and in danger in cyberspace, on the imperialist Western Web around the world. Fearing espionage from the West, the Province Governor, Chu Wi, suggested to the government that dissenters and rabblerousers be rounded up and employed as Internet spies. Transferred into binary code (1’s only), these men could regain some of their honor by combating foreign corrupters of Chinese society.

As a bot, Po has taken on an American name to blend into the web society and begin fruitful conversations with foreign citizens, through electronic mail. A recent progress report indicated that this program has been a great success, and a testament to the strength and character of the Chinese people.

LaBronx James
The year was 1972 and young LaBronx James was fostered far to the North of New York City in the Projects. Life on the streets was hard, especially when your biological father was never around to play catch and ball. He was usually in prison, or somewhere else driving around. LaBronx was named for the apostle of the same name, but he was far from a saint. Who can blame him for his rough and tumble beginnings? The lad's primary activities included jax, ballin', and a game called "Pigeon-Hoops" which, although enjoying a brief period of popularity, is no longer considered fun.

The boy grew older, as many do, and attended the local school where he and his brothers and neighbors also went. It was in the neighborhood, and there was no real choice in the matter. He attended chemistry and math classes, but his favorite was History with Turkowitz. Mr. Turkowitz knew how to make learning fun, and taught his students to believe in themselves so they could achieve anything. However, LaBronx was home sick that day with the sniffles, and so continued to believe in being second or even third-best. That's where he got his nickname, LaBronze, which is familiar to everyone today.

Special Thanks to editor Herrence Meritocracy for the story of Vito Burrito.


Cooking with Volidity: Elite-zza Bagels

Except for Native Americans like Pocahontas and the Pilgrims, the United States of America is a nation of immigrants, and no city reflects that more than New York City. As a New York-based outlet of the East Coast lamestream media, the Volidity Report publishes cultural stories of local interest, to appeal to its constituents (especially those of means). A quick search of the internets reveals that second (2nd) most reported ethnicity in NYC is Italian while the Jewish community in the Greater New York Metropolitan area is larger than anywhere else in the world outside Israel. Both of these groups arrived in large numbers in the late 19th century and settled in close proximity to one another in Manhattan (in Little Italy and the Lower East Side respectively), Brooklyn, and the Bronx. In tribute to this cultural melting pot, the Volidity Report resolved to make an appropriate dish of melted goodness, and arrived of course at that great staple, the pizza bagel.


Tales from the Spambots - Top Secret Tech Nazis

Nazis. They're everywhere! Just like vampires! Thankfully, as with vampires, there are also Nazi hunters. For decades, these Van Helsings of Israel pursued their targets across the world to exotic locations like Argentina and Long Island. Many of these war criminals were discovered, repatriated, and tried, but some escaped. Some might argue, "wasn't World War II like a million years ago?" and that these semi-mythical creatures no longer exist. But they are naïve! A hot tip came in to the Volidity Report with some startling information:
----- Original Message -----
From: Edmund Justice
Sent: 12/26/11 02:44 PM
To: ctc-tribletter@tribune.com, letters@courant.com, Letters@globeandmail.com, eletters@starledger.com, editor@tucsonsentinel.com
Subject: Top Secret: Microsoft's co-founder Paul Alan old evil Nazi war criminal

Top Secret
Microsoft's co-founder Paul Alan was an old evil Nazi war criminal who supported Hitler and the Nazis rise to power but after the war lived in disguise for many years, pretended to be a high school student, and rose to enormous business success and financial wealth as co-founder of Microsoft. He is a member of a very old secret society, and is reputed to have conspired to further the ideologies of the old Nazis in various ways in our world.
Edmund Justice
We've all heard the tale of Paul "Alan" Allen, co-founder of Microsoft--the brilliant partner of Bill Gates, who dropped out of college to revolutionize the computer software industry. But this disturbing report indicates that he's even worse than secret Arab Steve Jobs--he dropped out of college in America because he had already been to college--Nazi college. And his support for space travel is probably just an extension of the National Socialist dream of conquering space. We're on to you, "Paulus Allenstein," and there's no chance now that you will escape [Edmund] justice!

Look to the Volidity Report for essays on the future war crimes trial of Paul Allen under the title Allen in Redmond.