5.06.2013

NICE BOD: Volidity Report Short Stories Kind-Of Using the 'Exqusitie Corpse' Method Over Gmail While At Work ~~~ # 1: A CLOSE ENCOUNTER



Exquisite Corpse was a drawing game played by the Surrealists, and every person since.  Each contributor writes a paragraph, and passes it on, adding to the story.  We didn't do it 'blind' which I guess means it's not exactly EC, but who cares.  Contributors to this round were C. Cameron, E. Wright, and LK Shov.   Remember kids - just because you're in the office, doesn't mean you can't be productive!

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

One time, I was sitting in a booth at Baja Burrito. It was late, probably after 8, and I had just driven back into town. I could have bought some Wendy's on the drive, but I opted to just hold off and get the good stuff. It was late, but I remember this Baja had a bar. Strange, I remember thinking at the time. At the bar, a couple were sitting, pounding rolling rocks and waiting on their burritos to be made. They were clearly velociraptors, anyone could see that. They had long tails which allowed them to balance on their bar stools, and wore long trenches which hung down to the floor. They were bickering in hushed tones, but if I focused my attention I could make out some of what they were saying. "Diana just doesn't have any idea about social etiquette," said the one on the left. "If she wants to get fresh, she might just get popped. Is she afraid I won't?" "I think she's just getting you confused with Blake," said the other one, eyeing the empty ashtray on the bar. "She just puts up this armor, you can't get through. she is so annoying, and if that's the way shes going to act, I'm just don't know what I'm gonna do." The first raptor said nothing. His burrito had arrived.

Clearly though, it was more than just the burrito that the raptor had on his mind. Yes he had a deep-seated fondness for barbacoa (as do most velociraptors, for obvious reasons), but it was the struggle with Diana that really got to him. He didn't want to admit it to Valerie, his date on this fine evening, but his feelings and frustrations ran deeper than just annoyance over her social behavior. She had the finest, longest tail in town, and all the other single male raptors lusted over it. Including himself. It was just the way she slung it around for everyone to see that maddened him so. But it maddened him in other ways too, ways that couldn't be admitted it anyone else, other than joking or complaining to his date. All that was left at this time was to eat his burrito and continue getting drunk on Rolling Rocks.

"Say," said Valerie. "Don't look now but there's a human giving you a little stink eye at the end of the bar."

"Oh hush," he said. "You're drunk." But oh so casually, he craned his long neck to look at the human watching them and trying to eavesdrop. He didn't like it one bit, but for decorum's sake he tried as best as he could to ignore it.


Valerie was completely out of her comfort zone. First of all, she couldn’t believe that her date, the raptor she has been ogling over for weeks now, took her out to a bar at a BURRITO joint. Didn’t he know she was trying to cut carbs and follow that strict herbivore diet her best friend, Zara, was on? She guessed not. Second of all, he had the audacity to take her to a place where humans were free to roam around; Valerie understood that they didn’t pose any real threats, but ever since she had that run in with the douchebag at Wells Fargo, she tried her hardest to avoid those wimpy excuses for “animals.” However, the thing that was really bugging her about this whole “date” thing was the way Craig reacted with the mention of Diana. She knew she shouldn’t have brought her up, but she had to confirm to herself that the rumors weren’t true. Craig couldn’t have feelings for the oblivious, socially inept, ditsy excuse for a raptor that was Diana. But it was clear to Valerie that as much as she tried to diss Diana, she was always going to be second-rate in Craig’s mind. The way his eyes lit up the moment she said her name was a big enough blow to make Valerie down her beer. “I never should have met him here” she thought, “I fucking hate burritos."

The patrons were getting belligerent, but who has never seen that before. That's the thing about these sauropods. They're all talk. You try and get to know them, but you can never get past the drama. And the racism. My chalupa arrived, and my thoughts drifted out the window. Gloria was like that. The year was 1967, and I had been seeing this pretty little allosaur down in Montgomery. We met by happenstance. I - fresh out of the Ozarks, with my 2 year Certificate of Paleontology fresh from the printer, flapping in the breeze, and she- a curvaceous, 12 foot tall creature from the Cretaceous Period, found each other chatting at a house party downtown over mint juleps. If I am honest with myself, I knew from the get go that we could never be. It was that sense of urgency that probably drew us together. When Gloria told me she was leaving town the following week - there had been a 'mishap' at the museum of natural history- she asked if I would come with her, but I said no.

I snapped back to the present, the air was thick with the summer rain and the smoky aroma of cooked meat. Violence hung in the air like a freshly caught snapper ready to flop up and rake your skin with its scales in its last throes of life. The basketball game on ESPN was drawing the attention of most patrons, though a clear growling could be distinctly heard from the sauropod corner. I guess it goes to show how many people just don't see or hear what they don't want to or cant understand. But something about the growling of a velociraptor will put fear into the hearts of even the most hardened man. I hoped it had nothing to do with me, after the male one and I gave each other stink eye for a good five minutes earlier. So, instead of waiting around for him to try and eat me or some bullshit, I downed the last of my beer, paid my tab and walked out the door. I felt pretty good about having avoided an altercation with those 2 sauropods, and thought I might actually whistle a tune.

As I turned the corner of the building, headed towards my car, I noticed three young men in hooded sweatshirts lurking in the shadows. Surreptitiously glancing behind me and seeing no one else around, the fear I thought I had conquered earlier had swiftly returned. I really need a hobby, I thought.






Tales from the Spambots - Italian Spambots Indicating


Many, from About.com to the favorite web magazine of cranky racists to Habsburg Emperor Charles V, regard the Italian language as the most beautiful in the world. Twitterbots, in their eternal quest to become more human, have tried to learn about our emotions through our hobbies and online activities. Now a new generation has become more philosophical and linguistic, quoting great philosophers and timeless sayings from a variety of cultures.

Take for example the musings of Ruben Kenneth Galbraith--lesser known brother of noted economist J.K. Galbraith--forgotten by history but remembered by spambots:

Or let's hear from Julianne Smiley, goateed resident of "ukraine, usa," who quotes some classic American wisdom:
But like human users of the Interwebs, our Twitterbot friends have also grown fond of the Italian language, and its various indications:

3.11.2013

Fiat Time


Thanks to the informative newsletters of Ron "Rob" Paul, millions of Americans have learned about the evils of fiat currency. Rather than representative money, which can be exchanged for items with intrinsic value like gold, brass rods, cowrie shells, and chocolate, the United States has been since 1971 issuing money whose value is simply dictated by the State. Gold, of course, is the most natural basis for currency as a precious metal. Since ancient times, gold has been used to pay debts, demonstrate wealth, and be exchanged for anything from slaves to cats. But big government bureaucrats like Franklin Delano LOSERvelt and Tricky Dick Nixon decided to mess with the natural order of things, leaving us with worthless pieces of paper that just *happen* to be exchangeable for goods and services and constitute the world's primary reserve currency. Madness!

Now, your Editor awoke Sunday morning and immediately felt that something was amiss. He was shocked and horrified to learn that in the middle of the night, when no one was watching, the government had taken away an hour of sleep from him and every single American. Selling it to the sheeple with a promise of a later sunset and a sunny euphemism--"Daylight Savings Time"--these dastardly government takers have the gall to believe that they control time and take it from you at will. "Fiat time," essentially. After some research, your Editor discovered that DST was created in America in 1918, just a few years after the imposition of other such evils as the Federal Reserve System and federal income tax. And all of these were created under a President any American should hate, Woodrow Wilson, whose administration we need to repeal, for Freedom!

It's time for America to wake up! (figuratively speaking, naturally, because it also deserves another hour of sleep) The Volidity Report will work tirelessly, despite our lack of rest, to add the abolishment of fiat time to the Ron Paul ReLOVEution! For America!

END THE FED, STAY IN BED - RON PAUL 2016

2.19.2013

Tales from the Spambots - DickSuperDick DickDick


America is full of dicks: Dick Cheney, Andy Dick, et al. Even Canada has its share! The internet, on the other hand, is chock full of dudes (though at an ever decreasing ratio). Why, there's Datdude successDollaz Datdude, and the merch dude. But as the Volidity Report's research and investigations have revealed, the spambot denizens of the internets tend to hybridize and evolve. We were still shocked, however, when we encountered this character.


Yes, of course I am speaking of Dicksuperdick Dickdick. Dicksuperdick Dickdick starts every morning with a bowl of spotted dick, puts on a pair of Dickies, goes to work (as Assistant Manager, natch) at Dick's Sporting Goods, then attends a political rally to support the DIC(K) party. As the king of the dicks and a dudely dude, Mr. Dickdick appears to be at the vanguard of a new generation of spambots. Is there any way for us to learn more?


Do we *know* him? Sure! Facebook, the grand arbiter of social interactions, even said that he was a "Person [we] might know." Let's see if he will accept our friend request...


What?! *We* need to lose weight first using Dr. Oz's method? Is he suggesting that the Volidity Report is in any way verbose and needs to be trimmed down?

Whatever. Guess who just got blocked! Judgmental dick...

2.03.2013

Tales From the Spambots - Who's Who of the Hour


We here at the Volidity Report often write about the Man of the Year and the stories [of the stories] of the year, but what about the men of the month, week, day, or...hour??? If even a dog can have its day, why not give man--a more highly evolved creature, with reasoning abilities--smaller units of time? Luckily, there are those who subscribe to this theory *and* wanted to recognize the accomplishments of the Volidity Report:
From: Lisa Davis, Editor
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 12:40 PM
To: [Herrence Meritocracy]
Subject: Who's Who in Academia (January 2013 edition)

Good morning.
We're writing to let you know that you received Honorable Mention in yesterday's article titled "Who's Who in Academia" by Joseph Bozanek.
The article will remain available at
 http://www.newsdigest.co/news/academia  for the next few hours and is free to view or download.


Wishing you the best of continued success,
Lisa Davis, Editor
News Digest International
Having previously received academic recognition from other Lisas in the past, we here at the Volidity Report were not surprised to be honored in such a way. But the idea of honoring someone for only a set of hours is a potentially a brilliant innovation for the Millennial Generation. As we blog daily, update the Book of Faces hourly, and livetweet our activities minute-by-minute, it is only fitting that we recognize people for their accomplishments over the course of a few Earth hours. When the Volidity Report acquires some unpaid interns or temp workers, expect us to use our tumbling Twitters to honor a "Volid Hero of the Hour" every hour, on the hour. Until then!

-Herrence Meritocracy
Editor-in-Chief, Volidity Report
Who's Who in Academia: January 30, 2013 - 12:00 - 4:00 pm (EST)

1.21.2013

Cooking with Volidity - Prehistoric Heritage Chicken Nuggets

Rarely is the question asked, is our young adults learning? In New York City, this is a particularly pointed problem, considering the vast hordes of 20-something year old hipsters who inhabit the borough of Brooklyn. These hipsters don't want to grow up and be adults, even in the face of becoming parents themselves. Our hipster youth is thus infantilized, becoming "kidults" who only act for the sake of youthful nostalgia--e.g. ignoring the 2012 U.S. presidential election until Big Bird was threatened by Willard "Mittens" Romney. How do we reach these young people to teach them about science?

Why, through comfort food, of course! Since foodies are the new hipsters, and hipsters have a propensity to shell out half their income for fine cuisine, Your Editor-in-Chief at the Volidity Report decided to supplement a field trip to the American Museum of Natural History organized by BoxySean with an educational meal.

12.27.2012

Top Ten "Top 10" of 2012


2012 was a big year for planet Earth, with 366 days of activities across the internets and meatspace alike. As druids celebrate the solstice outdoors in sacred spaces, and Americans celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by tweeting "#fuckyoumom for not getting the myPhone 4S", the bloggers of the world begin gathering the raw materials for end-of-the-year listicles. As demonstrated last year, the Volidity Report is no stranger to this phenomenon. But, standing above ordinary blogs and news websites, we would like to present (for the reader's convenience) the Volidity Report's Top Ten "Top 10" list for the year of our lord of tech toys 2012:

Shanghai-based Steven Millward's list provides some indication of the extent to which the Chinese authorities censor online.

Though the Volidity Report is appalled to see that Staten Island and Long Island (the *longest* in these United States) were snubbed, we plan on campaigning hard for Florida, the Crimea, and Korea next year as the Top 10 Peninsulas of 2013.

For all the haters out there. [and for those interested in the continuation of list #9 above -Ed.]

As *shocking* as these stories may be, given that none of them featured a catch phrase as memorable as "Don't tase me, bro", can this really count as news?

6) List of Romanian Top 100 top 10 singles in 2012
Flo Rida apparently had a pretty decent year in Romania. Who knew?

A pretty necessary list for this past year, along with... [And if "The University of California vs. Goldman Sachs" is not the narrative of our time, I don't know what is -Ed.]

4) The Ten Biggest Sex and Gender Stories of 2012 in China
The Middle Kingdom seems to be just experiencing First Wave feminism at the same time that octogenarians are boldly embracing their nature as transgendered. We're looking forward to the Ten Biggest Women and Gender Studies Dissertations on China in 2013!

3) Top 10 Endangered Places 2012
The American South is full of natural beauty that is facing apocalyptic destruction at the hands of lawmakers who are more concerned with the biblical apocalypse and a populace likely more aware of the Mayan apocalypse. Something, something, Chick-fil-a...

2) The top 10 new species for 2012 include sneezing monkey and blue tarantula
Just like your favorite characters on the YouTubes, Earth's best new species of 2012 all have whimsical traits distinguishing them from less endearing members of their phyla!

1) The Top 10 Chinese Internet Memes of 2012
WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT "AIRCRAFT CARRIER STYLE"???


№ 2, 3, 4, 7, & 9 suggested by Herrence Meritocracy and № 1, 5, 6, 8 & 10 suggested by LK Shov. All methodologies scientific.