Election 2016: America's Toddlers Decide

                    

As of this year, Millennials form an equal portion of the American electorate as Boomers. Despite this important development, the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election will *not* be determined by Millennials. No, not because their levels of turnout remain far lower than any other generation--rather because this election will actually be determined by the generation below Millennials. I refer of course to Generation Z, the cohort of Americans born after the year 2000.

How is this possible, you might ask, given that no one in that generation is eligible yet to vote in the United States? Why, the unlimited power of technology, of course! On Twitter--a platform where the finest men, women, and brands all commingle--the takes of America's children can now reach vast audiences thanks to their thinkfluencer parents' accounts on Media Twitter.

As we already know, Millennials are killing all that is good in this country, so it's only right that these wunderkinder from the generation below would usurp them. Whereas Millennials foolishly pursue a Gender Studies degree in college and emerge indebted and jobless, their younger peers in Gen Z study history and political science under the tutelage of their wise parents--no loans required!

With the presidential primaries over, America could at last join the elite group of countries that includes Argentina and South Korea, places where a female spouse or relative of a former president could someday become president herself! All of this in spite of the deep, virulent sexism displayed by Millennials in choosing to favor a white male candidate instead. But even the most determined efforts of these "Bernie Bros"--male and female alike--couldn't prevent the awesome and historic nomination of Hillary Clinton! Now we live in a world where #gender bias will not stop a #daughter from dreaming about defying the online trolls and occupying the highest public office, assuming that she has access to vast financial resources and the support of large segments of the political, intellectual, and business elite.

The young folks of Generation Z *literally* spit at the sexism of their elders--how inspiring! They know that the most important manifestations of sexism in our society today don't lie in the lack of paid maternity leave, the stagnant wages among a service sector workforce dominated by women, the low quality and high cost of childcare services, or the difficulty in accessing the safe and legal termination of a pregnancy, but rather body language.

Despite having been born largely after 2004, Generation Z has readily absorbed the lessons of the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election. While Millennials have shamefully forgotten the horrors of the Bush administration, Gen Z kids know better! They're certain that Donald Trump is an aberration from the honorable norms of the Grand Old Party and will be quick to remind the public of the heartwarming love the Bush family has to offer America. They know that the best way to signal that They're With Her is by celebrating the endorsements of Reagan administration officials like John Negroponte--with years of foreign policy experience!--and the votes of Bush administration advisors like Paul Wolfowitz--a tried and tested expert in the Middle East. These #NeverTrump conservatives need to be courted--in their think tanks and stalled elevators alike--because they will support Hillary Clinton purely out of duty and honor to help our country.

The young prodigies of Gen Z know that there is nothing to fear, but Trump himself. Why? Because America is Already Great™! Among the developed economies of the OECD, the United States is #1 in per capita firearm ownership and fatalities, in the rate of incarceration, in the use of capital punishment, and in the number of those lacking health insurance; the U.S. also remains a close #2 in per capita carbon emissions and obesity and is working hard to increase its performance in areas like maternal mortality and rates of extreme poverty. Certainly, there is no way that Trump's fearful message might resonate among voters, given that no presidential election has even been won by stoking fears of disorder at home or anxieties about threats from abroad.

Though Gen Z remains committed to fighting Trump and his politics of fear, they are also sympathetic to the concerns of his followers. Trump may represent an unprecedented authoritarian challenge to our Republic and its Constitution, but that doesn't mean that those opposing his fascism should be rude or go so far as to advocate direct action. Heavens no! Rather than play the partisan blame game, the young'uns of Gen Z can see clearly that bad people come from Both Sides, and that what this election really needs is some Silicon Valley-style disruption, to shake up the Republican and Democratic Parties alike.

Masters of nuance from a young age, Gen Z kids know that while disrupting the two-party system is a good thing, actually voting for a third party is dangerous. A vote for the Green Party is actually a vote for Trump, no matter the circumstances. Whereas Millennials are flippantly and baselessly considering voting for third party candidates, Gen Z knows that this logic enabled Ralph Nader to deliver us the presidency of George W. Bush in the 2000 election, with no other factors influencing that election.

To conclude, let us salute this generation, patriotic and duty-minded from birth--or even before!--for working to save our Republic in this tumultuous and difficult year. These Griffins and Milos, Aidens and Bradens, Haydens and Jaydens--have done us all a great service. We should also be deeply appreciative of the ways that their Boomer and Gen X parents raised these bright young people, whose generations have definitely not created any of the problems addressed here, and who are certainly not cynical operators making up anecdotes about their children for attention and partisan political gain.