Cooking with Volidity: Haute Pockets

American food culture is much mocked around the world for a host of reasons, which have been partially addressed (and redressed!) by this publication in its examination and reimagining of the Double Down and the McGriddles. But a major divide remains! While Americans nuke frozen TV and AOL dinners in the microwave using the language of war yet with the same passivity of their digital consumption habits, citizens of Old Europe are preparing and eating multi-course meals with varied fresh ingredients of the type served at your average grand-hôtel restaurant.

Luckily, the Volidity Report is on the case. As an idealist publication, the Volidity Report believes that reconciliation between the followers of haute cuisine and the consumers of delicious handheld frozen abominations like Hot Pockets. Wait! Haute cuisine...hot pockets...perhaps the answer can be a combination of the two? Perhaps pairing the intricate preparations and quality ingredients of haute cuisine with the handheld gooey goodness of Hot Pockets? The internet tells me that modern haute cuisine was codified by Georges Auguste Escoffier, and provided for dishes that were served at once, aesthetically pleasing, and prepared by a team of chefs with divided responsibilities. With this in mind, and considering that Escoffier is long dead, we decided to bring in the famed Escoffiette as a consultant.

We scoured local farmers markets and organic shoppes for the needed items and assembled this selection:
Haute Pocket dough:
  • Sea Salt (NY)
  • Sugar (NC)
  • Organic Sunflower oil (NY)
  • Organic All Purpose Flour (VT)
  • Organic Milk (NY)
  • Organic Farm-sourced Eggs (NY)

Dinner filling:
  • Farm-sourced Parsnips (NY)
  • Farm-sourced Daikon (NY)
  • Mozzarella (cheese curd) (NY)
  • Pancetta (home-cured) (NY)
  • Sage (NY)

Desert filling:
  • Caramel (VT)
  • Gala apples (“USA”)

Dough was mixed and stretched.

Pancetta, home-cured in the borough of Brooklyn was sliced...

...and baked.

The parsnips and daikon were chopped and prepped for Haute Pocket stowing.

At the Volidity Report, we are very serious in all we do. So, cheese curd was procured...

...and separated from the whey, then kneaded into the cheese we all know and love, Mozzarella.

With all of the ingredients prepared and assembled, the participants were able to create their own Personalized Haute Pocket™, an important twist for American individualism as it adapts to haute cuisine.

And the Haute Pockets were transformed through baking in an oven (standard, not microwave--to make an important distinction in the transition from Hot Pockets to Haute Pockets).

Truly a set of Haute Pockets fit for the haute bourgeoisie! We predict that in the future, Americans will no longer purchase frozen Hot Pockets--instead, they will hire this team of highly talented chefs to make Haute Pockets from scratch (dessert variant sold separately)...

(Special thanks to Reid, Jenn, Sarah, and Amanda for their collaboration!)

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