Indeed, what could be of greater importance than liquor? Be it of grain, potato, or fruit (but it damn well better not be fruity!), liquor is an important part of a balanced diet. In fact, before Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his Chicago communist gangsters jammed socialized medicine down our throats, a glass of whiskey was my medicine. So, with this in mind, I was dismayed to learn that socialism had crept into my home state of Virginia in the form of socialized liquor. Yes, since 1934—allegedly, the repeal of prohibition and the temperance movement were involved, but with a year like that it must be the work of that liberal fascist, FDR—the distribution and sale of all alcoholic beverages stronger than beer and wine (≤14% ABV) is managed by the state. Indeed, Virginia's Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control operates a chain of state-run stores that sell liquor to Virginians, in some of which people even have to line up behind a counter and request their wares from a clerk, just like in Soviet Russia. Now they're even giving free liquor to the masses like any welfare state! Who would have suspected Virginia, a traditional Red State, which recently elected Confederacy enthusiast Bob McDonnell as governor and health care and *hypothetical* Obama birth certificate litigator Ken Cuccinelli as attorney general. However! The ugly truth of socialized liquor reveals that the Commonwealth (sounds like communist, don't it?) of Virginia is a in fact red state of the socialist variety.
So, how can we defend our country against these Nordic crypto-communists and their socializing programs? Well, since I suspect there already is another civil war a-brewin', it's important to be prepared for the worst. However, in light of the shocking revelation of socialized liquor—and the fact that Virginia is but one of many states facing this issue—this conflict that is looming over us is a Second Whiskey Rebellion! Forget about tax resistance, the front lines of freedom are now in moonshining! Besides, one great American sportsman decided to spurn a Swedish model, so why shouldn't America as a whole?