"We be Chrono-Thuggin" - Mobile Volidity Vol. 2

Before the Twitters, before 'pods and 'pads and PADDs, there were text messages. Known forever as SMS by our European counterparts, Volid researchers only recently discovered that is actually an acronym for "Seriously Mystifying Statements" (given the kind of messages we receive on our official mobile telephones, this seems appropriate). Following up on the first official compendium of these messages, the Volidity Report will seek to decipher these messages-in-a-bottle[-shaped phone], for our audience, this time with visual aids!

"The sandwich press has a liberal bias!"

"Where does Blade get money from anyway? He doesn’t get paid for killing vampires, he must have a trust fund or something"

"We be Chrono-Thuggin'"

[your Editor assumed it must have referred to this incident]

"Im Anfang war das Bier.

Und dann war die Party.

Und Mann war Froh."

"In China, Bad Father is called Distance Father!"

"Hey, man. Do you have a bag for the internet?"

"Chosen Race, brah!"

"Let’s make some bumper stickers to mess with other peoples’ cars:

DRUNK DRIVING?

YEAH, ME TOO!"

"TAK Tbl XO4EWb KOWKY?!"

[Ed.: For the uninformed, this is "So, you want a kitty?!" in Russian chat alphabet]

"Fuck you, gibbon!"

[Ed.: To be fair, that simian's a chump]

"Grim were’t the ivoris scales pluck’d upon by some nu-metal soldier drop’d in D tuning, the somber Power-chords belay the player’s true frailties. The banal activities of a weekly shopping trip expose further monetary woes. Oh! To get just one Nickel back for those soggy, Limp biscuits!"

"SHE AINT GONA EMAIL U"

"The only difference between God and Satan is their tax brackets…"

"Jus' be like,'Yo gir', looks like yo' pussy needs some Ape-lovin' and I be the bouncin'est, hoppin'est, dancin'est gorilla in town!'"

"Snort God’s 9/11 Fajita"

"'NAILED IT!' –JESUS"

"Nature's silent killer (the wolf)"

"Nationalize Oldowan stone tool industry!"

"The new self-help book, 'How to Be a Human,' available now from Volidity Report Press (only $19.95 - $24.95 Canadian)."

"'If we was in a utopian society and you said its defunittly gonna happen, and titles were to be done away with, howd we know what we wanted from da video store?'"

"Only rent da videos wit sexxxy babes or dinosaurs on the cover"

"Quit Stalin, Jamaica Me Crazy!"

"I see my place in american waste, faced with pizzas I can't taste! American waste, american waste, on my own I eat toothpaste!"

"Tryin' to program the new remote. Sorny? Magnetbox? Move over for actual crap tv brands: Broksonic, Konka, Humax, Grunpy, Telefunken, Nad, Yupiteru, & Optonica."

"I'd purchase a Grunpy confuter any day of the week."

So, did we all learn something in class today? Oh, you wanted it in PowerPoint format, like the last lesson given by our fine publication? Well, whatever! We're just painting the picture here--it's up to you to interpret. Speaking of:

"No one shall question a few good men, especially a few good paintin' men! Well, maybe a few questions, but sexy questions for sure!"