Cooking with Volidity - Chick-fil-gay

Long ago, when this blog was yet young, Your Editor-in-Chief authored a piece on the notion of "Chick-fil-a conservatism," predicting that it would become the predominant ideology of the Republican Party. Once again, the Volidity Report has proven itself to be on the cutting edge, now that fried chicken of a Christian vintage is in the spotlight.

Following several years of other media exposés on Chick-fil-a's "Christian DNA" (possibly genetically modified chicken genes) and liberal waffling over whether it's ethical to consume Chick-fil-a's delicious fries (especially difficult, as they too are in the shape of waffles), scandal broke out last month when company President Dan Cathy said in an interview what he's probably always been saying, that he supports "traditional marriage" and "Biblical values."¹ Then all hell--or in the language of Chick-fil-a, H-E-double hockey sticks--broke loose, with boycotts and threats from mayors of major cities directed at the godly chicken chain. Then former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, like his colleagues Mark Sanford and Haley Barbour a fan of conservative chicken, declared a day of action to counter the "vicious hate speech and intolerant bigotry from the left." The battle lines have thus been drawn between liberal mayors and conservative former elected officials.

As today is the Huck[abee]ster's "Chick-fil-a Appreciation Day," the Volidity Report would like to resolve this crisis in a manner that the lovers of fried chicken who also happen not to be homophobes could appreciate. Some fellow travelers on the interwebs have already tried to pass on the secrets of the legendary sandwich invented by Chick-fil-a. Yet, what is there to do for those of us who cannot but want to start our day with fried chicken inside a buttermilk biscuit? Thus, did the Volidity Report make a chicken biscuit that was Chick-fil-gay.

Biscuits:

• Organic buttermilk
• Butter
• Flour
• Baking powder
• Baking soda
• Salt
• All-natural food dye

Chicken:

• All-natural chicken
• Organic buttermilk
• Breadcrumbs
• Peanut oil

After mixing the biscuit ingredients in a food processor, biscuit-shaped pieces were cut from the dough and placed on a baking pan with parchment paper. To imbue these biscuits with some gay pride, the food dye was used to make a rainbow biscuit and some purple biscuits, before they were baked.

After soaking in buttermilk, the (sadly, drab and colorless) chicken was breaded and fried in peanut oil, as decreed by the Chick-fil-a covenant.

Then the smokin' hot slab o' biscuits were removed from the oven.

The biscuits were sliced and--in the style of an apparently gay- and Martha Stewart-friendly local Brooklyn restaurant--slathered with butter, hot sauce, and honey. Your Editor-in-Chief enjoys his solidarity meals, and this one--bigotry-free and with 100% added color--was one of the best. And now he will be able to replicate this meal, and not have to sneak into the secret NYU Chick-fil-a without getting noticed anymore...

1. Presumably, this means a man marrying several wives who are his relatives, receiving a dowry, and avoiding his wife/wives while they are menstruating.