Ever since Vito Bruzzini was born in the neighborhood of Boroughhurstburg Village in Brooklyn, he had trouble fitting in. A member of a family peripherally affiliated with the docks and much respected in Bo-Vill, from an early age Vito just couldn't quite live up to his brothers: Marsalo, Piccato, and Francese. His brothers, cousins, and cousins once removed would roughhouse in the streets and alleys by day and then return home for a big dinner festooned with enough red sauce to please red-blooded young boys. But Vito chose a different path; he would wander off by himself, sampling some of the strange, unbreaded, pasta- and mozzarella-free fare available in his Outer Borough. Because of his rotund shape--reminiscent of chicken rollatini or another irregular polyhedron--and because of his particular preference for the food of "Messico," he was given the nickname Vito Burrito.
As time passed, Vito remained ever the odd corn tortilla in a wheat world. Hoping to set off and make something for himself, Vito enrolled in the University of Phoenix, only to find that it took him no further than the dial-up connection in his parents' basement. When his brothers formally joined la famiglia, Vito only managed to get himself a job at Famous Famiglia Pizza. Needless to say, Vito found himself in a rut; when an "associate" of his father's had a horse's head placed in his futon, the young fellow took it as a sign. The next day he made for the racetrack in Ozone Park, confident that he would make the family proud. Last I heard, he won $30 on Mumbly Jake!
Nik Nickelback
Nikonar Nikolaevich Nikelbakh, known as Nik Nickelback to his friends, was born in a small town in Western Pennsylvania. The town was like most any other, except for its ongoing bat problem (see Fictionary Supplement Addendum, under “1987, Suckening of”). Ah well.
Nik was born to Dick and Wendy Nikelbakh, a Scotch-Irish couple prone to buying insurance and Presbyterianism. Nik was raised as one of their own, but was never much like his old man and his lady. He preferred electric guitars to hedge-clippers, and sports cars to lawn mowers!
After a fight with his pops, Nik totally split town man, and headed for Ronny’s house to crash there for a while, or at least till he could figure shit out. Ronnie was cool with it, but he was totally bogarting all his smokes and wouldn’t share them or nothing. Like, his brother totally sends him cases of them when he’s in Canada for like two bucks, and he can’t even share with his oldest bro? Whatever man. Well, this lifestyle went on for some time, until finally he ran out of dough, and had to trundle back home.
Health Insurance Po
Po was a nasty man, a mean bad man!! He was a con artist, and a thief, setting up false butcheries and chicaneries and disrupting society with his lack of dedication and unscrupulous behavior. Two or three concerned citizens reported to have entered his shops to purchase live animals to feed their hungry families, only to find a sight most foul. Po would be holding a live bird with two hands around its neck, strangling the poor animal in a flurry of squawks and chirps! All Chinese citizens know that choking chickens is immoral, and is strictly forbidden by Chinese law.
After the brave villagers performed their duty of reporting Po to the proper authorities, they were generously rewarded with a new dam which would flood their town with both water and electricity!
Po himself was brought in for questioning, and it was decided that his efforts could be better directed elsewhere. A recent Chinese security detail reported that the country was still exposed and in danger in cyberspace, on the imperialist Western Web around the world. Fearing espionage from the West, the Province Governor, Chu Wi, suggested to the government that dissenters and rabblerousers be rounded up and employed as Internet spies. Transferred into binary code (1’s only), these men could regain some of their honor by combating foreign corrupters of Chinese society.
As a bot, Po has taken on an American name to blend into the web society and begin fruitful conversations with foreign citizens, through electronic mail. A recent progress report indicated that this program has been a great success, and a testament to the strength and character of the Chinese people.
LaBronx James
The year was 1972 and young LaBronx James was fostered far to the North of New York City in the Projects. Life on the streets was hard, especially when your biological father was never around to play catch and ball. He was usually in prison, or somewhere else driving around. LaBronx was named for the apostle of the same name, but he was far from a saint. Who can blame him for his rough and tumble beginnings? The lad's primary activities included jax, ballin', and a game called "Pigeon-Hoops" which, although enjoying a brief period of popularity, is no longer considered fun.
The boy grew older, as many do, and attended the local school where he and his brothers and neighbors also went. It was in the neighborhood, and there was no real choice in the matter. He attended chemistry and math classes, but his favorite was History with Turkowitz. Mr. Turkowitz knew how to make learning fun, and taught his students to believe in themselves so they could achieve anything. However, LaBronx was home sick that day with the sniffles, and so continued to believe in being second or even third-best. That's where he got his nickname, LaBronze, which is familiar to everyone today.
Special Thanks to editor Herrence Meritocracy for the story of Vito Burrito.
No comments:
Post a Comment