"Pumpkin clown, bemused"- Mobile Volidity Vol 1

Though much maligned, a 140-characters-or-less world offers writers hilarious koan-building potential. How boring it is glance at your mobile and get a catch-all, "whatz up d00d wher u at?" when conversely, you could find a glorious, "Neo-realists assault the no-osphere with hypersonic mental armaments based on Lysenkoist assumptions!" The other day, I realized that I had amassed a large number of text messages in my paleolithic flip-phone's internal memory that I needed to save for posterity. Therefore, to spread the love of mobile absurdism, and more importantly, to clear up some space on my phone, I present a chronological smattering of standouts from 11/17/2008 - 6/2/2010, authored by Tibor and MC Soyuz. You, dear reader, should expect no context, for it is neither required nor given.

"Personally, I'd advise against delving into the dark Reece's Pieces of our minds..."

"SO i hear you plan on making a t-shirt that says 'Self-Immolation is Hot'"

"SO I hear you're about to start a band called Shalimar Shelly and the Filler Kids"

"...punctuated by eating spoonful after spoonful of baking soda and falling down the stairs"

"Excoriate academic snowblower by trifling with wily youth, if and only if Luther Vandross foments Andross' defenestration, proclaims Pumpkin Clown, bemused"

"Yo mEn kEaNu ReEVeS NoS sHiT! DoN fAk WiT dAt!!!"

"'Twas a fateful Tuesday morning,
Suddenly without warning
A message as never before:
We have come to settle the score!
Fast upon impact of the planes,
Our hearts became wrought with pains
Along passed many to heaven
Wish you Happy 9/11!"

"You're much more belumfigant than you are contraltable..."

"Triggerhappy ground varmint!"

"Jus be like, 'Yo gir', looks like yo' pussy needs some Ape-lovin', and I be the bouncin'est, hoppin'est, dancin'est gorilla in town!'"

"Sandwich Nation made unbelievably pointy jackals, whose undulating orifices came with sticky residue between phosphorescent pop tarts! Ya know, ya know?"

"Face-melting homonculi will lead you to Nirvana, the band, then will eruct nu metal hits fit only for Hyperboreans"

"Curious cumulous clouds are palpably poisonous to particular parvenus, dontcha know?"

"Neo-realists assault the no-osphere with hypersonic mental armaments based on Lysenkoist assumptions!"

"Just worked my ass off...trim body here I come?"


Volid Review: Belarus Magazine

Ah, the venerable PR magazine. Glossy, with short articles full of fun facts—and, of course—many an image. Every organization that can publishes them, with the purpose of making you feel all warm inside and distracting from any nasty inquiries about specific policies. For example, when reading the magazine Saudi Aramco World, one is more likely to think, "Wow, neato—the Abu Dhabi book festival" than ponder the influence and control exercized around the globe by the world's largest oil company.
Enter Belarus magazine. Founded by the Information Ministry of the Republic of Belarus and supported logistically by the offices of Sovetskaya Belorussiya and financially by Belvnesheconombank, I picked up a copy of Belarus in 2007 at the Belarusian Embassy in Washington, DC. Published in Belarusian (as Беларусь), English, and German (curiously, not as Weißrussland, but also as Belarus), the magazine claims to be "distributed in 50 countries of the world" and "published since 1930"[?!].